08.03.24 Update - Disturbing Letter From Jacob's Family
Share
You don’t need to be a therapist or have personal experience with rehab to recognize what’s happening here. There’s a glaring absence of acknowledgment for Jacob’s journey or what he would have wanted. Over the nine years I knew him, Jacob was most proud of himself during the last three years of his life, as he faced his trauma head-on and dedicated himself to recovery.
Jacob put in the hard work to confront and neutralize his pain. He learned to hold himself accountable for his words and actions—a transformation that required immense courage and commitment.
"We all wanted to see him get better but also weren’t willing to risk the possible repercussions of holding him accountable.."
Let’s be clear: Jacob was fully committed to his recovery and rehabilitation for three years, right up until the day he died. I encouraged him to get Corduroy despite his initial fears that raising a puppy might be too overwhelming. We purchased her together, ensuring he had an "out" if it ever became too much for him. We even discussed the decision with his therapist. This was a deliberate and thoughtful choice.
Since the day he died, his chosen family has been torn apart by his biological family, who are recreating the very trauma Jacob worked so hard to overcome.
Someone who could write this letter clearly didn’t know the man Jacob had become. They didn’t understand his thoughts, his struggles, or the relationships that truly mattered to him. They certainly don’t know me or any of Jacob’s friends, and now they presume to speak for “everyone”? No.
Jacob was a survivor of childhood trauma—a trauma he spent his life fighting to overcome. He did the hard work to heal, and yet his family seems intent on blaming him for his struggles. This is the same family that dismissed his death as a simple drug overdose or suicide. Perhaps that version of events is easier for them to accept, but it doesn’t reflect the truth.
When supporting someone in recovery, there are no "buts." When someone is so deep in despair that they consider taking their own life, you say and do whatever is necessary to keep them alive. That’s the commitment I made to Jacob when he asked me to support him during his recovery.
In my opinion this letter is less about honoring Jacob and more about his sister justifying her actions—specifically, pacifying "the friend" who stole Corduroy so she can rely on her to help. These are not people concerned with facts or truth; they are concerned with their own interests.
Even worse, she tries to rationalize leaving Corduroy in a substance fueled household, claiming Jacob's baby is “fine” in that toxic environment. This is the very environment Jacob fought so hard to escape.
Reading this letter was devasting to me. It reveals the heartbreaking reality that Jacob received little to no meaningful support from his bio-family during his recovery. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t trust them to provide it. It’s incredibly sad and deeply disheartening.
Below is the letter, presented in full with names removed.
__________________________________________________
I reached out about Corduroy and at this time, "the friend who stole Corduroy" does not want time or space away from her. She wishes you well and hopes that you can find some sense of peace. I know that hearing this is going to hurt and I know that you do not agree with or understand why Corduroy is with her. I have never really addressed many of the concerns you’ve brought up and that’s on me. I recognize my own role in this and that by not responding to your concerns, I’v e caused more and probably reinstated your belief that Corduroy is in an unfit home. I apologize for my silence and the further hurt and confusion it’s caused you. This is a lengthy letter but please read it in its entirety with an open heart.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for dealing with my brothers death. I know that I sent you a message in those first days saying that I felt like I didn’t know him but I need you to understand that I said that in a moment of grief and confusion. I do know my brother, extremely well actually. I know everything… His struggles with numbing pain and sadness, the childhood trauma and abuse that caused it, his journey to heal that trauma and develop better coping skills… all of it. I know because I was there. I know because we were both doing the work to end the generational curse of our toxic family.
One of the things that has bothered me the most is the way you’ve spoken of Jacob and his friendships. You paint my brother as a victim who was being enabled and taken advantage of. That you were his only true friend because you didn’t party with him. The reality is, you enabled him just as much as everyone else, only in a different way. We ALL enabled Jacob by never holding him accountable and excusing his bad behavior. We did it from a place of deep love and adoration but it was enabling, nonetheless. We all wanted to see him get better but also weren’t willing to risk the possible repercussions of holding him accountable.
Jacob had a side to him that was very manipulative, he knew how to get what he wanted. He shared only what he wanted and usually things that deflected from his own actions or responsibilities. Those of us that knew him long enough, including you, knew this about him. Your messages slam "the friend who stole Corduroy" but it’s all based only on what he chose to share with you, not direct interactions with her and while I know that there’s some truth in what you’ve said, it’s not the complete story.
The days following Jacobs death, I was in shock and confused. My primary focus was figuring out what happened to him and mapping out how to move forward. We spent many, many hours on the phone followed by numerous lengthy messages from you. Whether intentional or not, it felt like you were planting seeds of doubt and even suspicion surrounding his death. You’ve insinuated that "the friend who stole Corduroy" knows more than what she’s said about the days leading up to his passing and before you talked directly to "the friend who found Jacob's body", that he did too. This added an EMENSE amount of unnecessary stress and anxiety to an already life shattering moment.
The days leading up to arriving in LB with the little information I had, I did actually believe that Corduroy should be with you but this was partially because you said it. I also said over and over that I would not be making any decisions on anything until I arrived. You continuously disregarded that boundary and pushed me to give you a concrete answer. You’ve said that by Corduroy not being with you, I’m causing Jacob distress in the afterlife and that his spirit is restless. If this is the case, why hasn’t he expressed that to me? I’m very in tune with the spirit realm and I’ve contacted him numerous times… he told me how he died on the 3rd night for fucksake. In his living form, he didn’t want Corduroy to go to either of you because he didn’t want to leave her. In his spirit form, he’s at peace with where she is and how she’s being cared for. I do believe that Jacob has been contacting you but not for the reasons you think.
"The friend who stole Corduroy" has been very respectful of my choices this entire time and is following my lead. When she asked for Corduroy, she immediately followed it with, “No need to answer, I just wanted you to know that I would love to be considered.” I gave her the same answer that I gave you… I’m not making any decisions until I get there and she never once brought it up again. Some of the things that you’ve said to me both in the days following his death and since were sharp and maybe meant to make me question my own judgement. In one of your messages you used the word “bullies” when referencing "the friend who stole Corduroy" and the group… , I’ve felt bullied by you regarding Corduroy.
You blamed Jacobs slips with alcohol and decent into his episodes on "the friend who stole Corduroy" but Jacob was a grown man who made his own choices, he was not a victim in this. He bought his own alcohol the weekend he died… I know that because I have the uber eats recipes. I don’t care if she does or does not have an unhealthy relationship with substance, that’s her journey. To assume that she’s “unaware” of her own actions when you’ve never spent an extensive amount of time with her is just that, an assumption. I know that she and my brother had a codependent relationship with toxic elements. I believe that the relationship you had with him had similar elements of toxicity. None of that matters… pointing fingers isn’t going to bring him back, it’s just putting salt in the wound.
There are elements of hypocrisy to your argument for why "the friend who stole Corduroy" is unfit to care for Corduroy. You said she was unable to hold down a job but has been in her current position for over 1 ½ years, meanwhile you are currently in the middle of major career shifts. Without ever being to her house or meeting her roommate, you’ve said that they are degenerate drug addicts who leave drug paraphernalia all over and then mention your weed vape in the next text. I’m not placing judgement on you, just bringing attention to the parallels.
You say that no one actually knows where Corduroy is or how she’s being cared for but I do. I spent time in Ems home to insure it was safe and appropriate. I speak with her regularely about her care and how she’s adjusting emotionally. She sends me pictures and videos frequently that prove what she’s saying. I have a video from the 4th of July of Corduroy happily watching the fireworks… not freaking out at all. She was being loved on, not like papa because she’s not with papa but she is absolutely being loved and well cared for.
You said that you were triggered when I said that everyone has asked for Corduroy because you felt like she was being treated like an item. I shared that with you because in making the right choice, I had to hurt people that I cared about. Our aunts are devastated by this loss and begged to have Corduroy. On paper, they would be an excellent home for her. They’ve been in the pet industry for 20 years, are experienced groomers, specialize in pet nutrition, have long-term financial stability, work from home and it would guarantee that she would stay in the family. They don’t have children; their dogs are their kids but they weren’t who he wanted. They were disappointed but understood and accepted what my mom and I decided.
, I really have enjoyed talking and connecting with you over Jacob but I can’t keep talking about Corduroy in this way. When I’ve tried to put your concerns at rest regarding her care, you double down. It’s draining and I won’t do it anymore. I brought up Corduroy visiting you to Em because I said that I would and wanted to give her that option but ultimately, it’s her choice and she’s not comfortable with it. I know that reading this hurts and for that, I’m really sorry. I hope that you can empathize with how difficult this has been for me and understand that I never wanted to be in this position. I’m moving through it one step at a time, leading with my heart. I’m a recovering people pleaser, putting other people’s comfort above my own and I can’t do it anymore. It’s making me sick.
I’m not holding any anger about anything that I mentioned above but It was time for me speak up with my thoughts and feelings instead of cowering in discomfort. You say that you hate ghosting and prefer communication and conflict resolution so that’s what I’m offering you. I said it before and I’ll say it again… I know that my brother loved you and you loved him… For that, I love you. I’m praying that you find the closure you deserve.
Love
"The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love."
Hillary Stanton Zunin
____________________________________________________________
